After running the show for the first time on the real stage last night -- which is not unlike moving into a new house. Sure, You still use the stove the same way, hang your clothes the same way, use the toilet the same way, but you’re just a little bit cautious for the first few times, right? Anyway, after running the show for the first time on stage last night, the director, Alane described it as a “deer in the headlights” performance. Perfectly understandable what with the new surroundings, knowing it will be stopped for scene changes and blocking updates, and learning that the sound system is not nearly as helpful as one would like to believe. We’ll come back from it and the show will be better than ever. But it’s the other thing that happened that raised my eyebrows.

I panicked.

Seriously, Alane said something to the effect of that she really enjoyed this cast, and how well we handled all of the challenges live theater brings and she just had a blast, which sounded to me like a “thank you for everything, good luck” type of speech and I just wigged out. It brought into sharp focus just how soon we open.

“I’m not ready,” I said with a whisper.
“I’m not ready,” I said in a way you would talk to your neighbor on the church pew.
“I’m not ready,” I said as though I was talking to myself.
“I’M NOT READY!”  I think that’s the one that everyone turned and wondered whether or not I was joking.

I wasn’t. Seriously, my chest was tight, I couldn’t breathe normally, and I swear the room shrunk to the size which  a hobbit would be comfortable if he were small for his age.  It is a fascinating reaction, performance anxiety. It isn’t the performance that makes me anxious, it’s the anticipation that gets me. When I’m up on stage, I really have no problem once I’m up there, doing what I do, but I can easily see now why Jimmy is sitting on the bathroom floor in the stall right before the Wonders go on the Hollywood Television Showcase.

I don’t expect to vomit. This is the first time in my limited stage career that I feel the way I do right now. I do expect that is because this is the biggest role anyone could have, you know, ever. Multiple solos, two characters, the hair, on stage 75% of the time all adds up to a good a mount of pressure. These are the things I think about when I’m short sighted and inside myself.

What I think about when I’m not is my cast. What a great cast. While I am on stage 75% of the time, I’m not alone all that time. And with the support of the team, with their energy and confidence, I have no need to worry. This show is going to be incredible. The amount of talent, preparation, and just plain joy these folks get out of performing is a huge boost. I’m a lucky man.

There will probably be more “deer in headlights” moments between now and opening. Even another moment or two of sheer panic. But when the show opens Saturday the 4th (for me) we’ll be ready, and our biggest challenge will be keeping the energy in check.