Once time breaks the 1-week to go barrier, it becomes an emotional whirlygig.  I’m tired of notes. I’m tired of technical issues. I’m tried of crappy wigs. I’m tired of not doing the show. I want to play! I want to perform! I know, I’ll get my chance, and it’ll come sooner than it feels, but still. Tonight is the last rehearsal before previews. Second to last for notes. Let me tell you about notes. Notes suck.

The reason why they suck is because it’s usually 30-40 minutes of what you did wrong during rehearsal. Yeah, you have your positive notes sprinkled in here and there, but you don’t hear those. You hear how bad your interpretation of a single line was, or that you weren’t in the right place during the opening song, or how your notes are “floating” at the end of them, and by the time notes are over you either want to climb a tree and not come down for a week or burn the theater down.

Maybe it’s just me. Some folks in the show never get notes. I’m not one of them. I have 80 notes a night. I feel like they’re breaking me down so they can build me back up again the way they want me - bigger and better than ever.  Only problem is, I’m starting to feel like time is running out, and if they do, in fact, have plans to build me back up, they better start soon because the audience is coming and I’m gonna need a modicum of confidence if I’m not going to climb that tree or light a match.

I do not deny it is all ego. Perhaps not all, but at least 80%. 20% is just the need for positive reinforcement for actions I have not attempted for more than three years. Performance is all about confidence. The reason why people make fun of the “You like me! You really like me!” moment is because it’s ridiculously true. Actors, night after night, stand up on countless stages in front of countless audiences and ask the question with energy and passion, “What do you think of me?” Some ask it arrogantly, some ask it indirectly, but no one wants a mediocre response. Performers want to know that the audience enjoyed the story, felt it was time and money well spent. And whether they admit to it or not, they want to know that they are good at what they do. Particularly by those we respect and acknowledge as knowing more about it than we do. The worst response I ever got as an actor was this: “Ripoff.”  Youch.

So notes are often a downer. But it balances out with other moments, like this one:

Before rehearsal, which I watched, the other cast performed, we worked on bows. More on bows later. But without doing a single thing. Without being in costume. I come out, as choreographed, to take  my bow. My cast is already on stage. And they start cheering for me. Applauding spontaneously. They didn’t do that with anyone else. The other cast, who rehearsed it earlier, they didn’t do that either. But my cast applauded for me. Whether they did it because they wanted to, because they were just having fun, or they were mocking me, I don’t know for certain, but it made me feel great. Those that I had worked closest with cheered me. I was a new man.

When it comes down to it, Saturday night is up to me. Either I choose to follow the notes or I don’t.  I have to have confidence that the production staff knows what they’re doing because they chose me as the centerpiece of their creation. Thinking about it that way helps me. What doesn’t help me is wondering whether or not the confidence they first had in me has increased or climbed the tree itself. What helps even more and what will no doubt carry me through the show will be the confidence and support of the TThS cast. You guys are, in the literal sense, awesome. I am proud and humbled all at once.

Thanks.